Japanese funerals are the most solemn affair I've ever witnessed. While many cultures' funereal rites naturally witness an outpouring of emotions for the beloved, weeping, wailing, screaming and such, Japanese funerals are as silent as the grave.
We attended a funeral for our prematurely-departed friend and client. When we arrived at the ceremony hall, we signed-in at the front table in the foyer. Then we went to a table behind that where we gave them the money we'd brought as a customary offering to the family. The money should be put in a special paper envelope, which in turn we carried in a special wallet. We took out the envelope and kept the wallet. They gave us a ticket in exchange. The ticket we presented at the end of the ceremony, for which we received a thank-you gift. In Japanese society, any gift must be repaid with a gift. In some instances, it can cause a comical echo of presents that goes on for several iterations. But there is nothing comical about a funeral in Japan.
In the auditorium, everyone was dressed in black, seated, facing a wall of flowers and wooden plaques naming those who'd donated the flowers. A large, illuminated portrait of the deceased stood in the center of the flowers. His casket rested in the middle of it all. A Buddhist monk sat before the casket, chanting prayers.
After the monk was finished chanting, he began a ritual of striking a wooden block on one side, and a metal bowl on the other which resonated like a gong. The aroma of incense was overwhelming. Announcements were made, guests bowed to each other in groups, and the incense ritual began. While the monk struck the wooden block in steady rhythm, we each proceeded to the front where where the monk had laid-out some boxes with incense and burning coals. There we took turns at sprinkling the powdered incense onto coals. The movement reminded me of Episcopal communion.
From there, it gets really heavy.
After a period out in the foyer while they re-arrange things in the hall we with back in to stand around the open casket. They made a ritual out of bringing a bowl of rice to the departed. In particular, the rice was in a bowl with the departed's favorite pair of chop-sticks sticking straight up, out of the rice. We all took turns laying the flowers from the arrangements on the body and around his face. One of the most interesting aspects was when we dipped lily petals into sake and drip it onto the departed's lips.
In the end, I joined the other men to heft the casket out to the hearse outside. From there, closer members of the family boarded a shuttle bus to the crematory where they would perform the darkest ritual of passing the bones. I was welcome, but I couldn't bear it.
If someone you know dies, I would recommend you attend the funeral, even if you've never seen anything like it before. Staff will direct you as needed and all you have to do is follow the group.
If you send flowers, many florists work directly through the funeral homes, making sure of continuity between the flowers. Check with your local florist. Of the respectable bouquets, we could choose between the 10,000 and 15,000 yen arrangements. The more expensive of the two included a large plaque bearing the name and optionally, organization of the sender. It may sound a little vain, but in fact to have the names of the senders all in the arrangements gives an additional feeling of just who-all is paying respects. I'd recommend it. Some of the other organizations included the elementary school of the deceased's daughter, various clubs and civic organizations he'd belonged to and his own company.
Black suit or dress is expected, with black tie, white shirt, black shoes, or if you don't have black, as close to black as possible. And as far away from red as possible.
After the ceremony, it is traditional to sprinkle salt on yourself, front and back. They should give you little packets. Do this before even getting in your car. this is of course to ward off any spirit that might try to accompany you home. You don't want that. It's also recommended you return home by a different route from the one you came on.
Bring lots of tissues. Even if you don't cry, you can offer them to others.
And in the end, don't be shy. Be yourself. If you want to wail, wail. If you feel like hugging the bereaved, hug. These outward expressions of emotion only add to the ceremony in ways I'm told Japanese only wish they could perform themselves, but are restrained by their culture. I was the only person who hugged the widow and child and I am little more than their English coach. But they graciously received the hugs which clearly helped. If you're the lone foreigner, please hug. Humans need to hug, but not all cultures engage in it. However you express your grief and support, it will be appreciated and remembered.
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